HUMOR: Avoid Jury Duty in SF

2003-03-28 - 5:52 a.m.

Earlier this week, I was retained as a potential juror by the city and county of San Francisco. The case involved a forklift accident, and the victim was suing the people who maintained the forklift, because a third party liability lawsuit can result in a lot more money than a mere workman's compensation claim.

I arrived and was immediately sent to a courtroom, where the presiding judge gave the details of the case, and then had us fill out a questionnaire, having to do with job injuries, whether or not we'd ever sued anybody for damages other than economic due to an accident, and whether or not we believed that accidents in the workplace were the fault of the victim.

Assuming you do not have a legitimate hardship concern -- meaning such things as you having a temporary job for which you do not get paid time off, for which the judge will probably excuse you -- here is some general advice on making yourself look unattractive to either side, potential-juror-wise:

Bring your own pen to fill out the questionnaire. Make certain it is in a GARISH color, such as orange, or aqua, and make sure to write in ALL BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS. This will give the appearance of individualism, and neither the plaintiff's nor the defendant's side wants to see that. They would rather see something plain, with rounded handwriting, indicating that you used to get a 'works well with others' mark on your report card.

Use a lot of large words and legal phrases, whenever possible. I think my use of the phrase 'vexatious litigant' may have made both sides skittish. Your mileage may vary.

If you bring reading material with you, bring both of the following books: To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee), and Get Anyone To Do Anything (David Lieberman). When the attorney for the plaintiff is addressing the potential jurors, be holding Mockingbird so that the cover can be plainly seen. And when it's the defense attorney's turn to address the jury pool, hold up the Lieberman book. Both titles are available at Amazon.com.

SPECIAL NOTE: If it's too late to get either of these books, then simply go to the grocery store and procure whichever weekly tabloid has the seamiest / screamiest headlines. Neither attorney wants to see any potential juror walk in with a copy of the NATIONAL ENQUIRER tucked under their arm.

If there's a specific issue that you have with the trial at hand, go ahead and write it down, or speak up when the judge asks. For instance, if you're being asked to serve on a jury regarding marijuana possession? Tell the judge / attorneys you were in favor of the last medical marijuana referendum. If the trial involves a personal injury, be sure and list any ongoing health practices you may be undergoing, such as yoga, chiropractic, acupuncture or even reiki. The listing of medicinal alternatives could make you less likely to end up on a jury for a personal injury case.

In fact -- make sure you have a thumbnail sketch of all of the criminal and or medical histories in your immediate and extended family.

If you have a biased opinion about the trial, be honest about it. If the attorneys or the judge ask you if you think you can set your personal opinions aside? Say no, if you really don't think you can. But the keyword here is honesty.

Stupid clothing or arcane jewelry doesn't matter a bit. I was honestly considering wearing black and displaying my pentacle when I was called back the next day -- but then I noticed the court secretary was wearing an ankh. So, ya never know.:) If you go overboard with the trinkets or the duds, the judge might find you in contempt of court.

Remember, I'm not saying don't show up. I'm saying learn the house odds -- and don't be afraid to make them lean in your favor.:)

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2 of my readers commented on this entry

Tallguyinyc
Don't forget George Carlins "I'll make a great juror because I can spot guilty people (snap fingers) Just like that. It's all in the distance between the eyes. Have a little ruler, measure the Judge, He'll like that."
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Wyndspirit
Or be married to a correctional officer at the state pen. Works every time for my sister! (She would LOVE to serve!)
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