TSA

Tuesday, Sept. 26, 2006 - 8:19 a.m.

Yesterday morning, the TSA lifted most restrictions placed on airline passengers with regard to liquids and gels and other items of similar consistency.

This means I can have my hand sanitizer and my saline and my nasal spray again.

I'm going to go ahead and check my luggage anyway, just to see what happens.

"We know now that a total ban is no longer needed from a security point of view," said Kip Hawley of the TSA.

Translation: "We were such dips that we didn't realize how utterly impossible it is to set Purell hand gel on fire without a Junior Chemistry Set and The Boy Scout Handbook and an adequate accellerant like maybe a fuse or a hunk of charcoal and a cigarette lighter which we weren't letting people bring anyway."

I'm still prepared to drop trou if my ostomy bag is bulging and they wanna play the Show Us What's Causing That Lump Or Else game, though.

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So, when I arrive at my destination, at least I won't be parched and afraid to touch anything because of the germs.

I even wrote to my doctor to try and get some prescription hand gel before the restrictions were lifted.

He wrote back and said if I didn't want to catch cold during my flight to fold my arms and hold my breath for ninety minutes and I'd be just fine.

Then he told me to have a nice trip.

Yes, he's a good doctor. A little off plumb, the way I like it.

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Mentioned my 'spring-loaded snake in the nutcan planted in one of the security bins' idea to my friend Cheri in NYC, and she said they'd probably be nice enough to hand it back to me so I could have something to play with during my incarceration.

I decided against finding out the answer to that postulation.

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Okay, have a good Tuesday.

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