No More Band

Monday, May. 10, 2010 - 12:06 a.m.

So I'm on my way to the Ferry Building Saturday to head to Vacaville and band practice, and I get a message from Alan Brownlee, my bandmate and friend of nearly thirty years.

"I've left Wife. No more band anymore. Sorry."

This from a man who a week ago tells me how happy he is with his marriage and that his wife's his best friend and he wouldn't ever get married again anyway.

Between that week and this one -- something happened and he thought he had no choice but to go.

I'll never know what, exactly, but when I called him to make sure he wasn't kidding me, he was on his way to the house of the woman he says he loves now with the clothing on his back, and none of his music gear.

So, no more band. No more Ferry. No more Alan, at least the one I thought I knew, for the forseeable future.

I'm very sad for all of this, and selfishly, I'm gong to miss what this band was for the rest of my days.

---

I keep crying over the STUPIDEST fucking thing. Get a load of this.

Alan and I used to play "Eleanor Rigby" on rhythm and bass and it was amazing. But we never pushed 'record' and I just feel like shit because we didn't ever make a recording of the stunning way that song sounded when we played it together.

It's hard to know what to do with somebody who has resorted to extreme action like this when you've known them and their siblings for this long.

Ah -- look at all the lonely people...

---

So I moped around for all of Saturday and Sunday trying to figure this out.

And I logged on for a bit. My usual chat windows in my usual programs.

Then an interesting thing began happening.

People kind of showed up and helped me deal with the day.

There was Old Buddy Dave who always managed to be around for me when he's needed. He told me to go listen to "I Robot" and it was tranformative. And Scott, who was probably too busy to speak to me at all but who did anyway. Cousin Peter reminded me that blood is thicker than tears. Then there was Harold with whom I went voice for the first time since we saw each other about six months after high school. He even apologized for being rotten and teenagery at me when we were both rotten teenagers; it wasn't needed, but I accepted it anyway. And my old bit bucket buddy Portnoy from the Chico BBS days. We'd friended on Facebook, but hadn't actually exchanged more than a perfunctory howdy, but he was kind and gracious and all of a sudden it was twenty years ago and we were having one of those Really Great Talks. There was Andy, a fellow musician who found a farewell / last call phrase that brought me to some very neccessary tears. Jamie sent me a text hug, too. I also had a good visit with Alan's sister Lisa, who is still dealing, but who loves her brother in spite of himself. Then there was my bass guitar itself, which sounded different somehow. Like it was trying to make me feel better or something. And finally -- here was John who wanted to drive to where Alan was and yell at him for being so selfish.

Honestly, I've fallen in and out of love a lot while I've been married. Most of the time it's been with John, and the rest of the time it's been in fingerquotes with dear friends (male and female, woo woo) who stand me in good stead through my troubles anyway. And mind you, I haven't been perfect, and there's been a lot of times where I'm absolutely certain my husband could do better than he has, and I tell him this when I screw up.

But the main thing you do when you are married is to make the best with what you've got for as long as you can.

---

Maybe one of these days I'll be able to figure out what an old friend thinks he's up to and come away with some sort of knowledge.

I don't think I'll ever be able to agree with what's gone down at all.

But I will try and understand what happened.

---

Okay. I'm still pretty sandbagged.

Bulletins as events warrant, but as far as non-band business goes with Alan, this constitutes my only mention of anything here, and the subject is closed. And if anybody goes and bothers him or any member of his family and I find out about it? ...

You will feel my wrath like never before.

Have a good Monday.

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Update: Alan came home. fingers crossed.

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