Them's The Berries

Thursday, Dec. 16, 2010 - 5:05 a.m.

Here's what happened awhile ago when Alan said he didn't want to work with me anymore.

If you are not interested in music neepery, stop here and come back on Monday.

And please note -- this situation is solved.

I just wanted to bring everybody up to date.

---

Up until the 5th of December, I'd been planning to have Alan engineer my vocal track to a song I wrote almost three years ago before we resumed working together. But on that day, I changed my mind about having him do it, for two reasons.

The first reason is that there's been another friend who's asked if I ever need studio time, and I realized that if I didn't do the engineering myself, then Jeff The Jazz Guy is in fact the person that should be behind the board for this particular song since it's jazz / electronica and not rock. I mostly do jazz and electronica, in case anybody was wondering.

Alan said my song needed guitar and bass.

I texted back and said no it didn't because it was done, but thanks anyway.

He texted *again* -- after I said no -- and he said the final decision was mine but that The Song Needed Something.

When he wrote that followup text -- it hit me all at once that something as simple as getting a vocal engineered as part of a song that's already completed except for the vocals shouldn't be turning into a battle of opinions. Alan qualifying his text with statements like the 'final decision being mine' is a nice gesture at best, but kind of doesn't have much meaning behind it -- because if Alan really really understood the concept of the final decision being mine, then he wouldn't have texted me again after I said no.

Continuing to double check and triple check after I've said no is confusing and rude -- and when it's done to me, there's an inference there that I couldn't possibly have meant to say no and that all it will take is a little more convincing.

I will not tolerate people who do that to me -- it's a type of bullying, and after everything I've been through, I don't put up with that.

And that's the second reason I changed my mind about having Alan engineer this one particular song; I had declined his offer to add anythng to it, and then he persisted, meaning he hadn't really meant it when he said the final decision was mine.

So I said to Alan in two separate texts:

"Actually, I can't do this song with you after all. I will find somebody else to engineer the vocal."
"No harm no foul, sorry for the trouble, thanks, see you in 2011."

Concise, with thank you and sorry. Polite but quick, like yanking off a bandaid.

I figured Alan would understand, and if he wanted further explanation, he'd text me and ask to speak to me or go meet me in chat or give me some kind of indication that he wanted to know more about why I changed my mind -- which is what I've come to expect whenever I've been involved in a successful partnership or other really good relationship of any kind.

Besides, he'd texted the phrase himself -- the final decision was mine.

Instead, here was Alan's reaction:

"Really? Wow! I'm speechless. After this I really don't think I can work with you again."

I texted back and said:

"I changed my mind about working on one song with you and this is your response? Okay. I accept your decision. Love to you always."

Which I figured would conclude the conversation.

Then Alan replied.

"It just shows me what you think of me as a musician / songwriter. You've made suggestions concerning my songs before. I never treated you this way. Don't try to put this on me. What you did was rude whether you think so or not."

My response:

"I would never have discontinued the partnership. That was your decision. Take care and good luck to you always."

After I took a few deep breaths and a long time out, and in honor of nearly three decades of friendship -- despite how he'd acted, I offered an olive branch. I texted Alan and said:

"I hope we are still friends. And if you ever need vocals for something, I am happy to do them for you. But I agree w/ your decision about the writing. Oh well!"

Alan's response:

"We can be friends. But musically we can't really see eye to eye. So it's better if we just don't bother with it."

Me:

"I accept your decision."

So. As I see it, I'm free to do what I want with my music now.

We'd kind of half agreed to have me come over anyway so he could engineer the vocals and that would be all -- and I did make absolutely sure Alan understood that this song existed before the partnership did, just like the prior songs he'd written were his and not ours -- but then John saw Alan's messages and blew a gasket and said it was most certainly NOT okay for me to go over and do that.

I've been with John for twenty years, and married to him for nineteen -- and John almost never ever puts his foot down and outright admonishes me to not do something.

But since it doesn't happen often, I've chosen to listen every time.

---

Alan's one hundred percent right when he says he's listened to me when I've made suggestions concerning his songs.

But there was a crucial component when I did that -- which Alan somehow overlooked before he reacted in the aforementioned way when I wouldn't let him add any additional instrumentation to a finished song.

When it came to making suggestions to Alan concerning his songs, defined here as the things he wrote by himself a long time ago -- I waited until I was asked.

I didn't ask Alan to change my work at all.

All I wanted was a vocal to be engineered onto the track because when somebody is engineering their own vocals, their attention is divided -- and I don't have a strong voice to begin with, so I needed all the advantages I could get.

And when we do work on songs together -- excuse me, when we *did* work on songs together -- I trusted him utterly to compose solos where I didn't have a clue, and to direct me when I was singing something.

And until he said that thing where we weren't seeing eye to eye, I'd been under the impression that he'd trusted me, too.

The thing is -- Alan already compromised my belief in him earlier this year -- and resurrected it slowly, with promise after promise that he wouldn't ever give me a reason to worry about him again if I just gave him one more chance.

There was that one more chance.

Being told no thank you, that a piece of music is hands-off is NOT an excuse for him to spin a yarn about the final decision being mine, then to spontaneously develop the disposition of a scalded ape.

As per Alan's declaration -- I am no longer working with him.

All because I hadn't asked for any more instrumentation on one song.

That's what caused all of this.

When it comes down to it, I couldn't give two shits what kind of behavior Alan does or does not choose to exhibit at any given time. He's going to act and react however he wants, and that's not anything I could change if I wanted to.

But I told John to trust him again based on the reassurances Alan had given me back in the spring that he wouldn't hurt me again.

And when my husband is upset by how somebody treats me, or his trust is compromised not once but twice? That's unacceptable for any reason on the planet.

---

So, that's what's happened, that's why it's happened, and fool me twice, shame on me.

As the saying goes -- them's the berries.

Out of rain come sunshine, though.

It's actually has been kind of fun in an exploring the unknown kind of way to see what I can do engineering-wise with my own vocals after all.

---

That's it for now. See you next time.

---

what you missed - what's next - leave a note
first post - cast page - diaryrings - top ten

THE LEGAL STUFF: All content on this site that was created by me is copyright 2003-infinity by Brin Marie McLaughlin. Steal my stuff and I'll squash you like a bug. All incoming email or any other form of communication with me is subject to publication or other distribution by me in whole or in part at my sole discretion. This diary features the sole opinions and experiences of one person, namely me, the person who is paying for this space. In the interest of safety and accountability, no anonymous input will ever be allowed here, ever, for any reason in the entire history of ever. Whenever there is a comments section appearing in this diary, it's to be considered part of my paid presence on the web, and shall be used by my readership to supplement the things I have written here with relevant information in a polite manner. Comments that do not fall in that category are subject to deletion at my whim. Your visit to my diary along with your use of my comments section constitutes the understanding of this statement. Anything else on these pages including any comments belongs to whoever created it. All external links are current as of the date of the entry in which they are first featured, but at no other time. News excerpts used here are for educational purposes and are permitted under the Fair Use Doctrine. Hold hands when you cross the street, and play nice.