Seeing Myself

Friday, Apr. 11, 2003 - 1:53 a.m.

I had a lovely talk with Jamie late Thursday night. A month ago, I sent him copies of the first two books I ever read having to do with paganism: DRAWING DOWN THE MOON by Margot Adler, and THE SPIRAL DANCE by Starhawk. He's been reading DDTM, and he says he feels like he finally has found a form for his spirituality. That's a nice feeling when it finally happens in a person's life.

We spoke by telephone instead of goofing around online like we usually do; his cable modem connection was acting peculiar and it was just easier to switch to voice instead of watching the AIM door slam shut and reopen and etc etc.

I'm not quite sure where two hours went, but it was a lovely visit. I'm enjoying being part of Jamie's quest; he reminds me so much of me when paganism found me thirteen years ago.

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I've been thinking about Illinois Andy, and what's happened to me since I discovered his deception. People have come out of the woodwork and shown me a depth and breadth of kindness and support I never would have known otherwise.

For all of the cruelty and evil and horror and falsehood and head trips he inflicted on me -- I still have to credit him in a strangely backassward way for being able to find true friends and real values among the wreckage. In addition to John and Kat and Brian and Corrie and Allison, Jamie and Paul are the two new shining lights that helped get me through the darkness and continue to help me do so when needed.

Maybe Richard Bach was right. "Life will take care of you -- if you let it."

I also thought it would be nice to show you good folks what I look like. I am the one on the left, with the darker brown hair. The bunny actually does have a name -- he is Carlysle, and was sent to me by Jamie, for my birthday. He also sent me a pink one, named Carnation, and his significant other, Nelson, sent a beautiful brown one that I named Spike.

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1 of my readers commented on this entry

Jen - 2006-02-21 00:27:42
Hey, there. I've been reading about your saga/nightmare on and off much of the day. I want to tell you that I'm sorry for your trauma, and just let you know that someone read about it and feels for you. I've had several almost-similar situations. The most similar on the surface was when a girl began haunting a chat room I was a regular in, and convinced a lot of people that she was, among other people, Angelina Jolie, Angelina Jolie's best friend "Buffy," Heather Graham, Drew Barrymore and Jonny Lee Miller. This fabrication came complete with long, detailed emails about their doings, including an intricate last-minute wedding between Heather Graham and Paul Thomas Anderson that in reality never happened. Thankfully, most of the people in that room were too aware of celebrity impersonators (the room was a movie trivia one and most folks were fairly celebrity/movie savvy) to take her very seriously and we spent most of our time passing her emails back and forth, laughing heartily. We took great joy in mocking her in the chat room, and even more joy when we soon got forwards of emails "from" Angelina Jolie - she was disgusted by our jealous and ridiculous lies and behavior. But I think on a more personal level, I can relate to the confusing feelings of still caring about someone who deceived and betrayed you - I recently discovered that someone whom I thought was a dear friend of mine of about 8 years had been poaching entries I wrote in my online journal. I had no idea she even had a journal, too, and when I found it, it quickly became obvious why she hadn't told me about it... she had ripped off about 15 of my entries, nearly verbatim, only changing details that didn't match her own location, or other physical differences. These entries included everything from pop-culture-esque general ones to "List of 100 Things About Me" type information. It was scary, devastasting, maddening and horrible all at the same time. Eh, I think I might be leaving the world's longest comment, so if you want to talk further, just email me. I'm between journals at the moment, because I no longer want her to have access to my stuff, obviously, but I WAS the Radiator Lady on Diary-X. Not that I was famous or anything, but just for your information. Also, real quick, I HIGHLY recommend that you read the true-crime book, "Perfect Victim," by Christine McGuire. It tells the tale of a girl, Colleen Stan, who was kidnapped, brain-washed and turned into a sex-slave for SEVEN YEARS. It goes over many of the same things you endured, but on a grander scale. Still, I think you will recognize a lot in there, including the strange sensation of desiring and missing your abuser. Take care.
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