Beltane / May Day 2004

Saturday, May. 01, 2004 - 8:00 a.m.

This is Beltane, the first day of May, when observations of Spring are in full flower and the cycles of burgeoning life are celebrated. It's at this time of year, and specifically on this day, that I evaluate my life and times and ask myself if I really really have been a good Pagan this year.

After all, the main concept that I live by is 'Harm None'. It's two words long, each a single syllable, and if I can't have enough good sense to follow what it says, then what business do I have claiming that I'm a good Pagan?

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Let's see. Since 'Harm None' includes oneself, how have I done in that department this year?...

On the good side: This calendar year, I have taken better care of my body than at any other time in my adult life. I am in good health. My allergies have cleared up. I have lost forty pounds since the middle of February. I no longer eat foods that are loaded with carbohydrates (and believe me, the little fuckers are everywhere). I rarely ingest caffeine. My ability to move has increased, my skin is smooth, I no longer use the myriad of over the counter pharmaceuticals that I used to have to use to stay awake or go to sleep. I don't drink alcohol, and I no longer smoke Funny Stuff. I'm enjoying taking better care of my body. My sexuality and sense of self as a female is at an all-time high; at times I have felt like I was seventeen again. ;-) If I had been asked on New Year's Day if I thought I would have been able to find the strength in me to have kept my resolutions this long and develop a genuine interest in maintaining my health, I would have said no.

On the bad side: My head is still very screwed up. I have a lot of wrong ideas about how to treat people and how I think they should be treating me. I am frequently unable to say how I feel, mostly out of fear of alienating whomever I'm talking to. I have a poor self-image. I have abandonment issues. On the rare occasions when I do have the courage to say exactly how I feel, I'm almost always afraid that whomever I am speaking to will cease talking to me forever and not tell me why. I don't know how to deal with feeling left out or forgotten or neglected. And as was recently pointed out to me by somebody whose evaluation of me has never been anything but glaringly accurate, mumble mutter, I'm entirely too good at having Next Week's Conversation.

Smack in the middle: My hearing is going, and it's not my fault, but it's also something I have nothing to do with, as far as why it's happening. It's a gradual but inevitable process. I am adjusting as best I can, but I will miss hearing the voices of those I love, which is why I pester them for telephone time now, while I can still hear them well enough.

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As far as my treatment of others goes -- That's a mixed bag, too.

I have very few close friends. I've always been this way. I try to be good to the ones I've got, although I'm not always completely successful.

Sometimes in my compelling desire to keep them from being hurt, I get obstinate. "There are alligators in that sewer," I will say, "and I know where they are because I've been there, and if you don't take my advice into consideration then don't blame me if what you're going to do gets fucked up." My childhood was spent in a household where the Blame Game was the only form of existence and survival. Why Didn't You Tell Me This Was Going To Happen was the quietly turbulent undercurrent that was always present.

My few close friends have learned that this is the way I am and that I mean no malice. But they also get tired of it once in awhile.:-)

My friends, I do love you. I do care what you're up to. I don't ever want to see any of you hurt in any of your life's endeavors. And please, please, PLEASE -- keep telling me when I'm a pain in the ass. I want to be a better friend, and that's the only way I'll be able to learn and grow.

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As far as my understanding of Paganism goes -- That still feels the same as it always has. When I began walking on the Pagan path, I felt as if I had walked into a room in which everybody and everything I had ever loved had been gathered. At times, I'm filled with lightness and strength, such as when I'm out by the ocean at sunset, or walking through Sutro Gardens to put an offering of dried flowers on the base of the statue of Diana.

The pentacle I wear has traditionally represented the four elements and the spirit; but to me, mine represents the five principal characteristics that I feel make us human: Kindness, Courage, Ethics, Friendship, and Love. Nowhere else in the existence of this planet has it been proven that these qualities exist in any other life forms, and I think as humans, we have a responsibility to reach for these uniquely human qualities whenever we can.

Have I been a good practicing Pagan this year? Have I spent enough time listening to what the Universe has to tell me?

I think yes. I've been a lot less worried about things, and more willing to go with the flow and see where life takes me.

It's been a change for the better. I've made mistakes, but I've learned from them, and I am not afraid to keep trying.

I can't wait to see what else is out there for me.

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For those who observe it, I hope your Beltane is a wonderful one.

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