Noisy Neighbors & The Beaver King

Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003 - 8:13 a.m.

Well, now... who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhoo-ood...

Okay. So there are at least two neighbors who have caught my attention with the noise that emanates from their respective apartments -- for very different reasons:

1) STUPID LARRY. We used to call him by just his first name, Larry, but ever since March, when he - a smoker - wouldn't answer his door when John pounded on it to get his attention because of the gas leak, we added the prefix. Stupid Larry rents a herd of deaf elephants every weekend, and brings them up the stairway to his second-floor apartment, where he gives them ballet lessons. Either that or he has his kids over. We're still trying to decide. Stupid Larry likes to play his music and his television extremely loud. We have discovered that if we put our speakers face down on our floor and play the first eight bars of Fiona Apple's "Sleep To Dream", he gets the hint and turns his shit down. You're probably asking yourself why we don't just go down and knock and ask about the noise levels. We've DONE that. He either doesn't answer the door (see above) or he turns his shit back up in about fifteen minutes. Hence the name Stupid Larry.

2) YIP YIP GIRL. I have no idea what her first name is. Our long hallway shares a wall with her studio apartment, and her bed is right up against the wall. The reason I know this is because she masturbates at least three mornings a week. Sometimes the vibrator touches the wall, and the subsonics carry all the way over here to the desk at which I sit. It's one of those weird hums that would otherwise go mostly unnoticed until it stops, like a refrigeration element or a radiator... Except, it seldom goes unnoticed, because in addition to the vibrator, she's extremely vocal. And she's managing to yell right at the wall. Every time.

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Has anybody other than me noticed that His Majesty King Abdullah II of Jordan and Jerry Mathers have never been seen in the same room together? Or is this something that the whole world has known about and I'm just catching up?...

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Utah Paul is having his surgery today. Fingers crossed for you, Paul.

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Jamie and Nelson wanna come out here for Thanksgiving. I don't want them to travel during that time, because it will be hella expensive to fly. We've been discussing them coming out here instead on CANADIAN Thanksgiving, which is the second week of October -- but I've got an even -better- idea.

Hint: Trick or Treat!...

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Maybe more later, maybe not. I haven't put the red rinse in my hair yet. But then again, I don't think I'm in a hurry. :)

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