I'll Take Happy

Thursday, Oct. 30, 2003 - 5:41 a.m.

I'm up far too early, but I'm beyond happy this morning -- and I have several people to thank for this.

First, Cheri is home from Mexico. She got a little broiled on her over side and didn't spend enough time sunning her under side, so she apparently resembles a frosted mini wheat, but it's smack doodly dab in the middle of Autumn, so who will notice? I mean other than the hundreds of people who visit this diary every day and might seek her out and examine her tan lines ...??

I was able to IM with her and tell her almost all of the salient points having to do with my wonderful week of bawling and barfing and blistering.

It was glorious. Somehow seeing her type "Poor dear," -- and knowing she really means it -- was a balm to my soul. :)

And she's just about to find out some more stuff, too. Sigh.

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Next on my list of thank-yous is none other than P@ul Schu!tz. I received a package from him in the mail yesterday afternoon, and in it was one of the two 12" Erasure singles that I bought from him on eBay. ("A Little Respect".) I pulled the LP out of its package, and as I set the cardboard aside, I heard something slither around inside of it. It sounded like coins, but not quite.

I up-ended the package -- and out tumbled my pair of scissors!

My favorite scissors are home. Thank you, Paul. Even though you're an asshole, you still come through.

Okay yeah, to the rest of the universe it's just a frigging little pair of scissors. I'm sorry if I'm boring you. :)

But if you want to see why they're so important to me, you have to go read this entry. And come to think of it the next two after that one are kind of nice, too. Anyway, they're back home safe and sound.

By the way, thanks again, Paul.

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as to the blister, last night I was able to sleep without first putting a gauze dressing over it.

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I got to talk to Todd Thalimer on the telephone last night.

Remember the song we're working on together? "Before I Saw The Door" ?? He's really taken it in an astoundingly amazing direction. It was so good to hear that he didn't demolish it. :) Not that I was worried, precisely, but it was the first collaboration with him, and I wasn't certain how this would work. But it's worked. Beautifully.

Thank you, Todd. I love you for your hard work and for sharing it with me. It sounds awesome.

And thanks also for the invite. Sadly it was a little short notice. :) But Denver sounds so pretty. One of these days.

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Tomorrow is Halloween. Also known as Samhain, or summer's end. It finally does feel like that here.

It's the most significant religious holiday of the year for me, and this year in particular, there are passings that I have to acknowledge. I will in all likelihood spend as much of the day as possible in silence, as I try to do every year. I will be having something called a 'dumb supper', in which I will eat dinner in silence, and set an empty place for those who are gone now.

This year, I'm saying farewell to two people in particular -- and the odd thing is, I never even got to meet one of them.

First, of course, my grandmother, Marie Taylor. And second...

I lost a baby about a week ago. I was not that far along, and for most of its existence, I didn't even know it was there. For reasons I still can't bring myself to divulge, I didn't feel like writing about it when it happened. I just needed to spend some time thinking about things. And I wanted the Jekyll and Hyde Hormone Show to subside before I said anything, too. But, like most things, readers, I have decided I can now share this. Or as much of it as possible, anyway.

And for what it's worth, to all of my loved ones, please know that if I didn't contact you about this, or didn't tell you the whole truth when I announced the arrival of Aunt Flo -- you need not be offended. For most of you, the moment just never came up.

By all that I hold holy, I'm asking you to forgive me for not being able to say something sooner.

Dear Baby: I'm sorry my body failed you. Sleep in peace and wake in wonderment, my sweetest little someone.

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Anyway, so why the -fuck- am I happy? Did I -mean- happy? HAPPY?... Yes, oddly enough, I am.

Most of my time in the last week has been spent trying to figure out why I've been put through what I've been put through.

And I'm thinking maybe it's to make sure I know what I'm made of. I had a mostly rotten year. The middle third was nice, but then it got bad again, and this month was the mother of all things rotten.

But you know what I can still do? I can still write. I can still hear love and affection in the voices of all of my friends. I can still look over at the reclining chair where my husband spends his evenings, and more often than not, see him smile back at me. I can still sit down over at my Yamaha and make music, alone, or with Todd, or for anybody who thinks they can stand hearing me sing to them over the telephone. I can be so thankful for Cher1 H3ys3, who found me from a random Googling, and approached me because she found strength in my writings, and who has now become as close to me as any sister could ever be. I can do the fist pump when JJ and I figure out where the bad HTML was on her web page. I can still revel in the utter miracle of the fact that there's been a resumption of one of my strongest and most valuable friendships I have ever had, with Scott Hysmith, who forgave me for what I did so long ago. I can stand out on the concrete of the backyard carport with Br1@n Cl@yt0n and watch the ISS as it passes over us in the waning twilight. I can be proud of my darling Jamie Lord for yet another day of peace and joy and sobriety, and for the astronomical response to his Diaryland banners.

And all of these things bring me so very much joy. Life is short and pain is long and endorphins are where you find em. :)

So. Rotten can take a hike. I'll take Happy, thank you.

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