Revenge Of The Carbs

Monday, Apr. 19, 2004 - 8:47 a.m.

Well.

Yesterday evening, John and I went to Denny's for dinner.

The reason we did this is that we had heard from my brother that Denny's had finally rolled out its low-carb menu choices.

They're only about six months behind the times, but that's okay. Better late than never.

So anyway, we went ahead and decided to go and see about this.

John went ahead and got something on the regular menu, but I ordered their Low Carb Roast Turkey. The waitress said she was sorry, but they were out of green beans, which was the veggie offered on the side of the Low Carb Roast Turkey.

When I asked for broccoli instead, and again received an apology for it not being available, she then said something that set the tone for the rest of the meal course. "We have corn. Would you like corn?"

If you are on a low carb regimen, you understand why this is a glaring error on her part. Corn is very high in carbohydrates.

"No, under no circumstances," I said. I was about to say just skip the side dish all together, then John piped up, even though we've had several long talks during which I've implored him to Please Not Suggest Things For Me To Eat While I'm Dieting, and said "How about if you order the salad in place of the vegetable." The waitress wrote it down without even looking up at me or saying anything to me to see if it was what I wanted. John then ordered his meal.

The waitress returned with our drinks, and with the salad that had been ordered for me.

It was covered with croutons. I don't eat bread. Too many carbs. "Oh, look. Carbs," I said to John. We rolled our eyes. I shoved the croutons to the side of the plate and ate the salad.

Dinner finally arrived. Four of the most wonderful slices of roast turkey in the universe, and they had been covered in GRAVY. And on the side of the dinner plate, there was a nice generous dollop of CRANBERRY SAUCE. I scraped the gravy off of the turkey, and I didn't go near the cranberry sauce.

It was really delicious turkey, honest it was, but good heavens.

Suppose I had been a new 'low carb' dieter. Suppose I had placed complete trust in the restaurant staff. If I had eaten the corn and the croutons and the gravy and the cranberry sauce, I would be in pretty lousy shape. I knew what I was doing, though, and which foods to not eat -- but I had to swerve to avoid something like forty carbs during the course of a meal that had been listed on the menu as having only eight carbs.

The staff desperately needed to be educated as to which veggies to offer as a substitute on their menu. Don't offer peas, or carrots, or corn, for gosh sakes. Offer broccoli, or its cousin cauliflower, or green beans. If a customer is ordering from the low carb menu, and also ends up with a salad? Don't put croutons on it. This is something the staff could have been taught in a fifteen minute session before their workday began.

On the other hand, who the hell goes to Denny's while they're on a diet, anyway?... :-)

But there's a liability issue here. If the menu says eight carbs, that darn well better be all the customer consumes from that plate.

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Late last night, I prepared the cookie dough for the cookies that are getting mailed later today. I was really apprehensive about the process, but when I chatted with Paul and decompressed to him about the Denny's fiasco -- which he agreed was ghastly -- I also asked if he still tasted as he cooked. He admitted that yes, sometimes he did. Not the massive amounts like before, but yes, there were instances where there'd been no other way for him to find out if he'd done a proper job with his meal preparation.

I was still worried, and in fact, during the preparation of the dough, I did make a glaring taste error. It was something I didn't even think about until it happened. Had I done it before? I couldn't even remember. I tried to enlist John's help, but he said "I don't eat raw cookie dough," so, darn.

There was only one thing I could think of to do. For the remainder of the dough preparation, I put on a dust mask.

You know what? I bumped that damn thing with the tablespoon not once but TWICE, without even thinking about it.

So, yes, it was a drastic measure, but I didn't make anymore intake malfunctions with the dough!

At first glance, the picture makes me look like a puppy being punished for chewing on a shoe, but trust me, I am smiling beneath the mask.

No, really.

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As for the finished cookies themselves, I did make a small test batch last night. John thought they were absolutely spectacular. So, today, I'll bake them, set them out for about an hour, package them, then head to the post office and send them on their way. I hope they turn out okay.

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Damned carbs. They're everywhere. :-P

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