Mostly Normal

Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 - 2:09 a.m.

So Saturday night I had a migraine.

Yes, I've now officially lived through a migraine. I've had headaches before but never the big M.

For those who've never had one, it goes kinda like this:

First, you take a manual can opener, and you run it across the base of your scalp. Then starting from the back there, where you made the cut, you pull all of the skin loose from ear to ear, then peel it over the top of your head, going from back to front. When you get all the way to the front where your hairline is, stop loosening it.

Then take that big flap of scalp, and depending on how creative you feel,

1. Pull it down your back, and staple it to your shoulders as best you can, or

2. Tie it under your chin like a scarf.

Then for extra effect, be sure and wear a long semi-opaque gray scarf over your head, with silver sparkles that make it nearly impossible to see.

Put your right arm and your right leg in an Ace bandage and try to walk around like that. This is amusing for an extremely short time. If you eat anything, vomit. And if you vomit, miss the bowl. Blue ice is a polite golf clap for the pain. It feels good for about two minutes.

Start making a will. Begin to picture where people will be when they hear the news that your head exploded.

This state of wonderfulness lasts until pain medication is administered through a shot or a patch.

I had neither because the advice nurse wanted me to receive observation without any medication.

Finally at around half past eleven, about six hours after all the shouting started, it let up. The screws loosened about half a turn, and I was able to sit up. I drank chamomile tea, and then early Sunday morning, I had a couple of Ritz crackers and some water, and the rest of Sunday my intake was normal. Especially my water.

Water. Holy shit, that reminds me...

I've lost fifteen pounds this week.

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Sunday itself was normal. Except for that big patch in the middle of the afternoon where I apparently slept so soundly that I didn't hear the landlord's non English-speaking handyman trying to barge in and fix the thermostat.

Gee, what a thoughtful thing to do, to fix the thermostat. At the fucking end of February. When our cold weather is largely over with here in San Francisco. Yeah, thanks a lot.

I also didn't hear a telephone call from Dave Marron. John picked up and told him about what had happened to me with my migraine and all on Saturday night, and I figured Dave would feel better if he heard my own voice from me, so I called him back to tell him I was still alive.

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Had a good visit with Jamie Sunday afternoon. He's had a migraine, too. Poor muffin.

I'm never again going to not know how one of those feels.

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Today is Monday. Entirely too many normal things to do this day; breakfast with Dave would be a good thing; finally sorting through that monster pile of paper where the two magazine baskets used to live; there's a pile of my clean whites on the futon waiting to be put away as well. And maybe that wacky handyman just might put in an appearance and fix our bathroom sink.

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But the migraine is there. It's dormant for now, maybe never even happening again.

But the possibility exists now -- and maybe that's the part the people who get these dread the most.

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I very seldom laugh until I cry.

But I did it this morning when I found this.

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